Who am I? For years I shaped my identity around that question, Who could I be? The popular kid, the smart kid, the pretty kid, the funny kid, the flirt, I shaped my identity around what people could see on the outside because on the inside my story was too different for them to understand. I didn’t have a normal home life, A normal family, or a normal house, so I would do anything to hide that part of me from the world.
From a very young age, my view of a Godly man was shattered. At the age of 7, I was abused for the first time, this encounter went on for months and I had no control over it. At that age, you don’t understand what happened but as I grew older I recognized the sense of purity I lost in myself, and I felt broken. At the age of 9, my Dad left me for another family never to speak to me again for years. With my Dad Gone, I felt at a loss of protection, I felt lonely and abandoned, What had I done to deserve to be left?
At the age of 11, my mom had another baby. This bundle of joy’s name was Faith, unfortunately, she came into this world with mental and physical disabilities that will affect her for the rest of her life. My mom was scared and didn’t know what to do or how to handle the situation alone, so I stepped up and started to care for her and Faith. I became dominant in my decisions, I helped my mom raise and care for faith, I protected them, I drained myself pouring into them, And all I could think was where is this father figure the church talks about to help me, I was drowning in responsibility before I could even learn how to swim. Thinking now I wouldn’t change anything because I love my family and I would do anything for them, but I became bitter as the years went on.
I went to youth groups and church, invited from friends of the family but I never had a personal relationship with Christ. Until one night I had an in-depth conversation with my nana about God. This is where I truly believed God intervened into my life that night showing me a sense of joy and peace that I had never felt before through his gospel message. So on July 14, 2019, I officially gave my life over to Christ. Still new to the faith I had much hope for God, now that I was a part of his kingdom he would let nothing bad ever happen to me again. Well, I was wrong.
On November 15th of that year, I witnessed the death of my grandfather, his still warm lifeless body haunted me and I fell into a deep hole of depression. I was mad at God, I blamed God for all my problems. I blamed him for my dad leaving me, I blamed him for the abuse I went through at a young age, For the overwhelming responsibility I grew up with, I blamed him for the death of my grandfather and my trauma, I blamed God so much that I lost trust in who he could be in my life. From an outside perspective, you could say I had a void in my heart to fill, well I filled it with boys, alcohol, lying, obsession, an eating disorder, and social media, I did everything I could to try and be happy until one night I was so buried in this dark hole that I wanted to kill myself. But instead, I wrote a letter on why I couldn’t, And oddly enough I think that was God writing that letter for me.
I wrote to myself that I couldn’t leave this world because I couldn’t leave my mom and my sister, I needed to care for them, God wanted me to care for them. God showed me a completely different heart posture, and that's because I could see his light in the dark tunnel, and that light was filled with love, joy, peace, patience, and opportunity, and I was willing to run toward it, but I had to make that decision for myself.
I had understood it was not God's fault for any of my traumas, but the fault of sin and deceit that filled this world. Going into my sophomore year of high school I attended youth group, and bible studies at my school, I joined a small Christian teens recovery group, and God introduced me to a community of good people that helped me grow in my faith. God had brought new life into my purpose and was sanctifying me every day growing me in patience, humility, leadership, and most importantly to trust in him.
Through understanding the beauty of God’s story I finally understood where I could find an everlasting identity and purpose for my life. All my life I looked for temporary things to fill the pain of my past, but I realized the only thing that could fill my heart was the blood of Jesus and unity with him. Today I am not afraid to tell my story, I’m not ashamed of who I am or where I came from, because I know my identity is found in Christ and the story he's given me has helped me get to that realization. You see when you give your life to Christ truly, you will feel everything else in this world fall second to him because of your passionate love for him.
His loving sacrifice has washed me clean and is continuing to sanctify me so I may go out and fulfill The Great Commission of serving him with my whole heart. God has used my story as stepping stones to develop me into an obedient disciple of him. His light has saved me from my darkest self. My prayer is that I may now share this light with others so that they may get to experience the fullness of God and his saving breath to our souls.
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